04 July 2026

Tinkering on old projects

Over the past year I've dusted off several projects hosted at https://github.com/RhysU/:

RhysU/ar
Autoregressive process modeling tools in header-only C++.
RhysU/ESIO
Parallel-HDF5 library for high-throughput I/O of structured turbulence simulation data.
RhysU/suzerain
Spectral, direct numerical simulation of the compressible Navier-Stokes equations for turbulence research.
RhysU/c99sh
Shebang interpreter that runs single C99, C11, and C++ files with rcfile support.
RhysU/jobserver
Nestable Python jobserver with thread-safe futures, callbacks, and type hints.
RhysU/droll
Command-line implementation of the Dungeon Roll dice game.
RhysU/tuna
Lightweight autotuner that picks the fastest among interchangeable code chunks at runtime.
RhysU/war
Simulation of the card game War.

30 June 2026

Underling

Thirteen years ago, while working on the dissertation, I put together a 3D pencil transform library atop FFTW MPI called underling. It looked great in isolation. It never integrated correctly with my dissertation code. I eventually ran away because spending time on it wasn't time spend graduating

In the last couple of days I learned that there was no problem with the library from a correctness perspective. Instead, the mysterious problem was MKL exposes an incomplete FFTW implementation that simply returns NULL for a lot of methods. After some linking tinkering in my dissertation's primary codebase, my little pencil decomposition library snapped right into place.

This is both immensely satisfying (it worked after all!) and frustratingly painful (would have loved to benchmark/publish during the grad school days!). Alas.

28 June 2026

Two Sons

Written back in August 2020

I have two different sons. However, at the West End Suprette each one chose the same Häagen-Dazs ice cream bar. Something with dark chocolate. I chose a Nestle Crunch ice cream bar from another part of the freezer. I paid while they continuously touched things that I asked them not to touch.

We three walked a block south to a tiny park, Septuagesimo Uno, and plunked ourselves on some benches. I handed the Häagen-Dazs bars, which came boxed-then-wrapped, to the boys. They tore open the boxes but the wrappers stymied them. I chuckled and wondered if, sufficiently motivated, they'd get the packaging open by themselves. They endeavored.

I opened my Crunch bar, lifted it by the popsicle stick, caught half a bite, and the whole bar fell away from the stick and onto the nasty city ground. Evidently the Crunch bar had passed its days in a warmer freezer spot. The old Eddie Murphy ice cream man skit, where a kid loses a whole cone, ran through my head while I debated if anything could be salvaged. My wife would rightly kill me if she heard I taught the kids that food could be eaten off the nasty city ground. And the kids would certainly tell her. I sighed, shook my head, and then looked up into two pairs of wide eyes.

Each boy gazed into my disappointed face while still ineffectively fumbling with a wrapper. I got out “Too bad” before twice “Dad, would you please help me open this?” arrived. I held out my hand, the little one handed me his package, I opened it, and I handed back an unmelted ice cream bar. A pause, then into the mouth. I held out my hand, the bigger one handed me his package, I opened it without looking, and I passed back a second bar. Turning down again, I couldn't resist a tiny bit of the chocolate coating. Perhaps, adequately distracted, the kids wouldn't report me to their mother.

“Dad, would you like some of mine?” spoken softly startled me. A dark chocolate Häagen-Dazs bar floated into my gaze attached to a popsicle stick attached to an outstretched arm attached to my nine-year-old son. He had offered me his very first bite. I choked up briefly, politely declined, told him how kind that was, and hugged the boy. He blinked, stepped back, and then launched into his bar.

Fortunately, neither kid made so much of a mess that their not-yet-broken tendency to wipe their mouths on their shirts didn't solve said mess. I collected then threw away the two boxes, three wrappers, and three sticks. Starting home, I hugged the big one again. He ran ahead maybe twenty feet.

The six-year-old generally lags behind me on the street. Now, however, he kept pace as we walked in silence. Halfway home he says “Dad, I would have offered you mine but I knew you wouldn't eat it so I didn't offer it.” And I tell him thank you and I hug him too. Quickly thereafter, we enter our building lobby and call the elevator.

26 June 2026

The Greatest Skit in the World

Inspired by "Tribute" by Tenacious D and another meta-bench skit. Arrived at through prompting and re-prompting Claude until it cried...

A Campfire Skit for 5 Scouts (~2 minutes)

No props. None. That’s the whole joke. Play it big. The crowd should get the ending long before the characters do.


CAST

  • DIRECTOR — the Camp Director. Gruff.
  • SCOUT 1 — the leader. Certain. Wrong.
  • SCOUT 2 — the loud one.
  • SCOUT 3 — small, nervous. Keeps blurting the right answer.
  • SCOUT 4 — eager. Quick to strike a pose.

THE SKIT

(The FOUR SCOUTS stand in a row, in order 1–2–3–4. The DIRECTOR storms in.)

DIRECTOR: Scouts! I need a skit tonight. A GREAT one. Or it’s latrine duty till you can vote!

SCOUT 1: Director… we will perform THE skit. The greatest skit this camp has ever seen. We did it once. The Scoutmaster wept.

SCOUT 2: The whole crowd was on their feet! They wouldn’t stop cheering!

SCOUT 3: (quietly) A raccoon stood up and clapped.

DIRECTOR: (arms folded) Then do it.

SCOUT 4: Positions!

(All four strike a dramatic pose. They hold it. Their faces slowly fall.)

SCOUT 3: (through his teeth) …What was it?

SCOUT 2: I thought YOU remembered.

SCOUT 1: I remember it was GREAT. I don’t remember what it was.

SCOUT 2: (flat) There were no props. That was the whole thing. We had nothing. (pregnant silence)

DIRECTOR: (throwing up his arms) Nothing?! You’re telling me the greatest skit ever was a bunch of Scouts with NOTHING?! (throws up his hands) I give up. (walks behind the row of Scouts and lowers himself into a seated position at bench height — knees bent, arms crossed, sulking, perched on nothing)

SCOUT 3: (brightening) We just… sat down.

SCOUT 2: On what?

SCOUT 3: On the bench.

SCOUT 2: WHAT bench?

SCOUTS 1, 3 & 4: (slow, together) …Exactly.

(On the word, the DIRECTOR topples backward off the invisible bench and crashes to the ground. Hold. Bow. Everyone runs off.)


PERFORMANCE NOTES

  • Stand in numeric order. Every handoff passes to the Scout next to the speaker, so the focus slides down the line instead of jumping across it.
  • The Director sells the ending. He sits behind the row on “I give up,” perched on nothing the whole time the Scouts talk — then topples on “…Exactly.” The longer he holds the sit, the bigger the fall.
  • Land “…Exactly.” big. All three say it together, dead serious, gesturing at the empty air.
  • Let the silence breathe before the Director’s last line.

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